10 THINGS KIDS LOVE THAT PARENTS HATE
As discussed in 10 Things Kids Love That Parents Hate Part 1, we do a lot of things to keep our offspring happy (and give us a precious half an hour to trawl Instagram, er, clean the house and get the dinner on). Keeping the young’uns amused and busy with any engrossing activity that tears them away from their best friend The iPad for a few moments makes us feel good about parenting. Plus look at that happy little face! So why wouldn’t we want to provide them with things that make them smile? Because some of those things make life for us Hell On Earth. That’s why.
Here are five more delights that add a little kick in the teeth to the journey of parenthood… And for all those parents who have children who actually sit still and enjoy crafting peacefully for hours on end, we hope you realise how
annoying blessed you are.
Twenty minutes to set up (putting out pen pots, squeezing paint into mini tupperware containers, laying out the plastic tablecloth, a tray of coloured paper, tubs of googly eyes and sequins and random bits of recycling that have been gathering in the corner of the kitchen for months), then it’s five minutes of interaction until they walk away from the table bored, covered in glue and ink and leaving a trail of devastation in their wake. Add on the inevitable scissor meltdown when they’re unable to cut the Peppa Pig out but won’t allow you to help, and it’s just under half an hour of your life you won’t get back. Minus the tidying up *facepalm*.
7 CHILDREN’S MAGAZINES
Yay, I’m giving my child a treat but it is also educational and involves reading and puzzle-solving, I’m such a balanced parent! Nope. Whatever puzzles and stories may be contained within the pages of these magazines will remain untouched by your child, who will focus solely on the cheap plastic tat stuck on the cover. This will naturally break or get lost God knows where among the Lego pieces and bits of dried play dough within five minutes of entering your house.
WHO MADE THESE TINY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION? These teeny, smiley, innocent-looking pastel-coloured pieces of plastic cause no end of conflict between my two children. ‘That’s MINE! Where’s MY ONE?’ They get lost several times a day. I’ve spent many a sweary moment just as we need to leave for the school run hunting through backpacks and toy boxes and treasure chests and under sofas for one of these whatever-they-ares. Barely a bedtime goes by without somebody crying for a lost Shopkins. Someone outlaw them immediately. Along with Loom bands. Room 101, anyone?
Before the guilt kicks in about their rotting teeth, you have to get into the damn things, and as lollies are wrapped tighter than a boa constrictor’s grip, in plastic that seems to weld itself to the stick, this is no mean feat. Your child will whinge and hop about at your feet as you sweat and scrabble about at the plastic in vain, breaking every nail as you try to find the end, before savaging it with your teeth as the desperate wails gather volume. It’s like they were wrapped by the devil himself.
Once they’re sucking away like a sugar-hungry zombie and you’re mentally balancing out The Badness by telling yourself they’ll just have an apple for pudding later, your child will start running around with the lolly stick hanging out of their mouth. Any adult attempting a conversation with you during this time should give up, for you will be incomprehensibly distracted by your own anxiety as you yell at them not to suck the lolly when they’re running, engrossed with gruesome visions of them face-planting the concrete and stabbing themselves in the throat.
Lolly drama over, they’ll come to you for a kiss and a cuddle. With their sticky, strawberry-scented cheeks and hands…
Catnip for kids. Once they see one, they NEED one. Like a fool, you’ll buy one from a stand in the shopping centre (for approximately £100) then will spend the rest of your trip repeating the words ‘Hold on tight! You don’t want it to blow away!’ before watching it blow away and having them scream all the way home on the bus. Or they’ll be handed one at the end of a party and the second you get it home, it bursts. More screaming.
So you get savvy and buy a pack of 10 from the corner shop so you have spares. Then they want to try and blow it up themselves and can’t do it, but they’ll insist on doing it anyway, and you sit there watching them turn blue in the face before the inevitable full-scale tantrum, as they flail about on the floor and shout at you accusingly (because it’s your fault).
You’re then expected to put your own lips around the spit-covered end and blow it up. This will be the balloon that lasts for MONTHS, and you’ll forever see it out of the corner of your eye, bobbing about mockingly behind your sofa, or getting under your feet in the kitchen or all grubby and shrivelled in their bedroom, but they will never let you burst it or throw it out and it will NEVER DIE.
And there we have it. The 10 things that kids love but parents hate. These things will continue to blight our lives until they grow out of them and find their own entertainment. And then we will feel all nostalgic and will say things like, ‘Aw, remember when you used to get all excited about balloons?’ but they’ll just grunt at us in response while we stand there all misty eyed. Kids.
MORE FUSSY BIRD: Catch the first half: 10 Things Kids Love That Parents Hate Part 1
As discussed in 10 Things Kids Love That Parents Hate Part 1, we do a lot of things to keep our offspring happy (and give us a precious half an hour to trawl Instagram, er, clean the house and get the dinner on). Keeping the young'uns amused and busy with any engrossing activity that tears them away from their best friend The iPad for a few moments makes us feel good about parenting. Plus look at that happy little face! So why wouldn't we want to provide them with things that make them smile? Because some of those things make life for us Hell On Earth. That's why...
Sadly, the things that bring our kids joy just... don't do it for us
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... from holidaying with the kids. As we've just returned from a nine-day break in the South of France with our two Small Ones, I thought I'd scare, er, share with you the valuable insights I've gleaned from our little jaunt. Sharing is caring, after all, and if it allows you to feel more prepared for your own holiday en famille - or at the very least provides you with the reassurance that it's Not Just You - then my work here is done.